Middle Of The Road

I was surprised that Jarir Bookstore have a John L. Mason book on their shelves.  I bought one, and started reading it last week and I found out that it’s really a John L. Mason book complete with biblical verses; and I was also hoping to find some answers to my woes.

In my previous posts, I admitted that I am not happy with work and I had the chance to read two of Mr. Francis J. Kong’s articles about “pretending to be happy and being realistic; and that I can choose my attitude.”

I also have this desire to go home when my contract ends.  To reintegrate in Cabanatuan and start a life anew.

I wanted to be with my mom.

I wanted to have my own business.

I wanted to leave Al Khobar because I felt that I can not let go of the memories of my dear friend Voltaire and the buzz surrounding his untimely demise.

I wanted to grow also in a company where one values you as a person and not a mere statistic.

I wanted to enjoy a life that I am meant to live.

But even if I write a hundred posts about these, I still believe that the answer would lie to my decision.

One nugget of John L. Mason’s book “Let Go Of Whatever Makes You Stop” was titled “Get Out Of The Middle Of The Road.”

I can sense that I am in the middle of the road right now.  I don’t know if I’ll run towards the right or left side of the road.  I am stuck in the middle trying to decipher-analyze-rationalize everything.

I know I’ll get hurt and that I must make that decision fast and quick.

Today, my big boss asked me if I am happy and in a matter-of-fact manner that I told him no.

I understand that he cares and that he wanted all his people to be happy where they are but with all these worries in my mind, its hard for me to appreciate his effort to reach out to my emotions.

I know that its hard to understand but I am having difficulty as well in exploring my own feelings.

I reiterated that promotion won’t make me happy and each time he visited the store that was the same question he was asking me; what will make me stay and happy?

I am being side swiped by rushing cars and still I am motionless in the middle of that road.

I must make that decision like a wise man and I have only until next week if I will decide to stay longer or not.

I wanted to go home.

I have to make that decision.

Gotta get out of the middle of the road.

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My Not So Picture Perfect Life

I am reading Julie Clark Robinson’s “Live In The Moment” and had this urge that I need to write something as well about my family. I have written so many things about my mom, dad and siblings but Ms. Robinson’s words opened another window where I can view my past; painlessly.

Yes, she was right that at the adolescent age, I was also envious on seeing so many dad’s with their families. I grew up fatherless and basically my “super mom” not only covered the bases and filled the void but also she became a person completely different on whom she was before.

I never disowned my dad; but I accepted the fact that he was gone and as a teen I already understood the situation. I am my mom’s sidekick and we managed our daily survival specially during the years that we pawned jewelries; borrowed money from others; ate twice daily… while I ended each night with a tear and so many “why” questions on life. Why we don’t have the perfect family set-up, why my dad left, why mom had to suffer?

I attended many occasions without my mom since she have to work. Aunts, relatives, mom’s office mates and neighbors were there during my graduation, investiture etc, etc.

I was thinking that time how come my dad never became like my mom’s older brother, Tito Eddie, who really took good care of his family (and my cousins). They never missed a Sunday Mass, kissing each other while saying “Peace Be With You”; and so many things they’ve done as a family.

I never hated anybody, what I’ve learned from my mom was the “Art of Moving On”. She may have perfected that craft having failed relationships; started as a casual employee (taga-type ng kontrata!) to become the Administrative Officer now; from mahjong’s to tong-its; I mean, I really admired her strength during those tumultuous times of our lives.

I never became addicted to drugs though I tried suicide and became depressed but each time these things would sink in and get a grip of my life, I struggled hard and the mere thought of my mom and what I wanted to have in life would trigger my senses; my positive outlook and fuel my dreams. End of depression.

So, I grew up with a little “bitterness” but I managed to get through with it. Now at my age, I had so many failures but still, I took things positively no matter how painful, humiliating and embarrassing those situations were.

Looking back, I always told myself that I can’t have ’em all. I never had the perfect family; I don’t have a perfect DNA as well; I may never have a perfect sister or brother or father or cousins or my whole family up to the nth degree is totally imperfect but they were the reason why I am here now, of who I became and what I achieved in life.

I never dreamt higher than own height; I love simple things and pleasure and I am doing well with that.

But how about the people I envied before? The perfect family portraits that God may have hanged on my wall to remind me of something that I never understood were not picture perfect at all; divorce, death, separation also ruined the once home, sweet, home.

God may have shown me that I must also live for the moment. They may have perfect families at the time I was growing up but I had one also before until my mom left my dad. But the most important thing is learning to accept and moving on. That, I am very grateful to my mom and now I am enjoying my life, as it is; at this moment.

Visit http://julieclarkrobinson.com/ and be inspired by her!

Read Full Post »

My Not So Picture Perfect Life

I am reading Julie Clark Robinson’s “Live In The Moment” and had this urge that I need to write something as well about my family. I have written so many things about my mom, dad and siblings but Ms. Robinson’s words opened another window where I can view my past; painlessly.

Yes, she was right that at the adolescent age, I was also envious on seeing so many dad’s with their families. I grew up fatherless and basically my “super mom” not only covered the bases and filled the void but also she became a person completely different on whom she was before.

I never disowned my dad; but I accepted the fact that he was gone and as a teen I already understood the situation. I am my mom’s sidekick and we managed our daily survival specially during the years that we pawned jewelries; borrowed money from others; ate twice daily… while I ended each night with a tear and so many “why” questions on life. Why we don’t have the perfect family set-up, why my dad left, why mom had to suffer?

I attended many occasions without my mom since she have to work. Aunts, relatives, mom’s office mates and neighbors were there during my graduation, investiture etc, etc.

I was thinking that time how come my dad never became like my mom’s older brother, Tito Eddie, who really took good care of his family (and my cousins). They never missed a Sunday Mass, kissing each other while saying “Peace Be With You”; and so many things they’ve done as a family.

I never hated anybody, what I’ve learned from my mom was the “Art of Moving On”. She may have perfected that craft having failed relationships; started as a casual employee (taga-type ng kontrata!) to become the Administrative Officer now; from mahjong’s to tong-its; I mean, I really admired her strength during those tumultuous times of our lives.

I never became addicted to drugs though I tried suicide and became depressed but each time these things would sink in and get a grip of my life, I struggled hard and the mere thought of my mom and what I wanted to have in life would trigger my senses; my positive outlook and fuel my dreams. End of depression.

So, I grew up with a little “bitterness” but I managed to get through with it. Now at my age, I had so many failures but still, I took things positively no matter how painful, humiliating and embarrassing those situations were.

Looking back, I always told myself that I can’t have ’em all. I never had the perfect family; I don’t have a perfect DNA as well; I may never have a perfect sister or brother or father or cousins or my whole family up to the nth degree is totally imperfect but they were the reason why I am here now, of who I became and what I achieved in life.

I never dreamt higher than own height; I love simple things and pleasure and I am doing well with that.

But how about the people I envied before? The perfect family portraits that God may have hanged on my wall to remind me of something that I never understood were not picture perfect at all; divorce, death, separation also ruined the once home, sweet, home.

God may have shown me that I must also live for the moment. They may have perfect families at the time I was growing up but I had one also before until my mom left my dad. But the most important thing is learning to accept and moving on. That, I am very grateful to my mom and now I am enjoying my life, as it is; at this moment.

Visit http://julieclarkrobinson.com/ and be inspired by her!

Read Full Post »

Windows of the Soul

This is one book that I found in the shelf that I never get tired of reading over and over again. Ken Gire truly inspires with the words he had written in the book “Windows of the Soul (Experiencing God in New Ways) and he taught me how to feel God’s presence in every aspect of my life.

Indeed we always end up searching for answers to the millions of questions that bothers us; we tried looking for miracles to happen and never thought that our mere existence is a miracle in itself; we always find reasons to the doubts we have about our skills, potentials, trials and misfortunes; we tend to rationalize everything, applying all the defense mechanisms we could use just to deny our faith, our beliefs and to hide our weaknesses.

Ken Gire opened several windows and showed me that in everything I do, God has planned it for me. Sometimes, the setbacks in life are too humiliating and painful and we started questioning the purpose of the Lord but Ken asked me to look for the silver lining, opening a window of understanding and complete comprehension.

I may have never fully surrendered my life to our Creator but now I have gradually shifted to admission rather than struggle.

While working in Jeddah, several windows already opened and I am glad that I was able to look beyond the window and marvel at the world outside. Sometimes, the windows are too hazy, but nevertheless, I managed to conquer some of my fears although I am still coping with the others; I managed to see the smile in pain, the hope in despair and the faith amid all my skepticism.

To quote a passage from the book, Ken discussed that “Most of us, though, have grown a little tired of the neighborhood and all the back-and-forth trips we’ve taken there. We long for something more than a routine walk around the religious block. We long for the companionship of God. We long for the assurance that we are not taking this journey alone. That He is walking with us and talking with us and intimately involved in our lives.”

The book really opened a window for me. A window of understanding of my faith, and a peek into the real essence of my partnership with the world and with my Creator.

Read Full Post »

Windows of the Soul

This is one book that I found in the shelf that I never get tired of reading over and over again. Ken Gire truly inspires with the words he had written in the book “Windows of the Soul (Experiencing God in New Ways) and he taught me how to feel God’s presence in every aspect of my life.

Indeed we always end up searching for answers to the millions of questions that bothers us; we tried looking for miracles to happen and never thought that our mere existence is a miracle in itself; we always find reasons to the doubts we have about our skills, potentials, trials and misfortunes; we tend to rationalize everything, applying all the defense mechanisms we could use just to deny our faith, our beliefs and to hide our weaknesses.

Ken Gire opened several windows and showed me that in everything I do, God has planned it for me. Sometimes, the setbacks in life are too humiliating and painful and we started questioning the purpose of the Lord but Ken asked me to look for the silver lining, opening a window of understanding and complete comprehension.

I may have never fully surrendered my life to our Creator but now I have gradually shifted to admission rather than struggle.

While working in Jeddah, several windows already opened and I am glad that I was able to look beyond the window and marvel at the world outside. Sometimes, the windows are too hazy, but nevertheless, I managed to conquer some of my fears although I am still coping with the others; I managed to see the smile in pain, the hope in despair and the faith amid all my skepticism.

To quote a passage from the book, Ken discussed that “Most of us, though, have grown a little tired of the neighborhood and all the back-and-forth trips we’ve taken there. We long for something more than a routine walk around the religious block. We long for the companionship of God. We long for the assurance that we are not taking this journey alone. That He is walking with us and talking with us and intimately involved in our lives.”

The book really opened a window for me. A window of understanding of my faith, and a peek into the real essence of my partnership with the world and with my Creator.

Read Full Post »